Do you ever feel alone? Not in the sense that you have no one to go to dinner with, more like no one cares if you eat dinner or not? I have been feeling more stress than support this past month. The only person behind me 100% is Shane, like Brandon was to Donna in 90210 when he led the “Donna Martin graduates” protest.
You’re probably thinking that seems crazy since I have been on bed rest, but being on bed rest with a real threat to myself and my child you really need to know you’re supported. Knowing that you are thought of can really lift ones spirits when they want to stab themselves with a pencil out of boredom or worry. But when you find that support or concern is minimal it kind of makes you feel shitty and alone.
The countless of hours of bed rest and mindless tv really gives you time to reflect. I have realized that I have been a pushover most of my life. I usually put my feelings aside to avoid conflict and then when I do speak up I end up looking like an emotional basket case because I let it fester for too long. Now with two little girls to take care of, I am no longer going to be that person. When I want something I will say it, when I don’t like something I will say it, unless it has to do with food because that can be overlooked at times. I will address matters head on and if people choose to ignore me then I will unleash my fire-breathing dragons on them. I will be the Khaleesi to her naysayers.
So that’s it, I have reached the end. This is my final day of pregnancy, ever! No more contractions no more icky Nifedipine and no more bed rest. No more having to feel like a dictator constantly ordering someone around. The pressure of making sure my sandwich is always cut in half, that my coffee is to my liking, my strawberries aren’t overripe and the reminder to hand me a napkin at every damn meal because with each bite I take crumbs plummet into my cleavage, it’s just plain exhausting.
I won’t lie and say I am not heading into the hospital tomorrow without anxiety, I am. I hope Kaili doesn’t get overwhelmed with the chaos that is family. I hope she can kick her cold in time to come visit me and I hope that baby A and I make it out of the OR without any hiccups and unscathed.
I am looking forward to adding to our family of three and starting a life with a party of four.